“Your scan shows hyperintensities.”
Dr. Amreet, a neurosurgeon at Aga Khan, sat across from me, his voice measured, careful. But my mind was already spinning. The headaches had been unbearable—relentless, excruciating, immune to even the strongest painkillers. My vision blurred at times; confusion came in waves. The suspected cause? A post-lumbar puncture complication. Before they could intervene with an epidural blood patch—15ml of my own blood injected into my spine—they needed an MRI.
I had been under the care of Dr. Muaka for pain management, but now, sitting in this cold office, I was hearing something different.
“Aside from the physical symptoms, I suspect there’s something else.”
Psychosomatic issues. Trauma.
Dr. Amreet’s words felt like a punch to the chest. Trauma? Did he mean the 13 weeks in the hospital? Did he mean the accident?
The accident.
Or
Did he mean, the union – the place where my spirit was slowly unmade.
Two weeks in HDU. Eleven weeks of aftercare. A maxillofacial surgeon whose name I had never wanted to know. Blood everywhere. Doctors surrounding my children, working to save them. My baby in a neck brace. The sickening weight of helplessness as I was forcefully ushered out of there, waiting, unable to do anything apart from fall on my knees and call my mum ‘mamii alitaka kuniulia watoto…’
All because of a mistake.
A mistake by the person behind the wheel.
(But that’s a story for another day.)
Dr. Amreet started me on amitriptyline to help me sleep and strongly recommended counseling. I found myself at Amani Counseling Centre, where I met Naomi.
“Let’s start from the beginning.”
“Which beginning, Naomi?” I sobbed. “Which one?”
I bowed my head into my palms, utterly defeated.
Two sessions in, Naomi referred me to Dr. Okonji, a psychiatrist at Nairobi Hospital. That’s where my real diagnosis came – Depression.
I had always thought I was strong, that I could take whatever life threw at me. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? The brain gets sick, just like any other part of the body. And mine was drowning.
I was taken off amitriptyline and put on quintipin and another antidepressant I no longer remember. Days blurred together. Nights stretched endlessly. I wasn’t living. I was existing.
Then one day, I put up a post on Africa Motorcycle Diaries asking where I could learn to ride. The responses led me to Tris Motorcycles.
Tris told me to come in for training in the afternoon. I looked at her and asked, “Can I come in the evening instead?”
She didn’t know why. Not yet.
The truth? The medications I took at night didn’t wear off until 4 p.m. the next day. Before that, I was a shell. I needed to come after 5 p.m. when I was at least functional enough to balance on the bike. She agreed.
So every evening, I rode.
After each class, I would take long walks, whispering prayers into the wind. “God, I am doing this to conquer the depression. Please… just give me a second chance. Let me be normal again.”
I hadn’t felt normal in three years. And I was desperate.
That’s how I began.
You see, grace is not weakness.
It is the quiet roar of strength when life bares its teeth, ready to tear you apart.
It is standing there, battered and bruised, and still choosing kindness.
It is resisting the urge to grow claws in return.
Grace is the armor of the brave – worn not for the glory, but for the When you see me embrace a stranger,it’s not for glory,it’s for my soul.
Because the strong ones? They don’t cry for help. They whisper to themselves, “One more step. One more fight.” And no matter how broken they feel,
They stand up anyway.
(Be Encouraged , Come up for air, It is well)